don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
