I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
