Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
