i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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