Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
