He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pants are for mortals
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
