I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
