The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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