you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
