I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
