I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
