Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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