he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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