Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
