do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
