No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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