I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
