Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
