is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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