**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
