I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
