Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
