So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
