I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
