I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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