i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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