I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
