if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
