I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
