I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
