He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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