He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
