Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
