if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
