I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
