My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
