I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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