Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
