Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
