wakey wakey hands off snakey
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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