I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
