I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
