i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
