he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
