I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
