what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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