The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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