The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
