Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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