Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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