Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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