What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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