i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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