just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
